The best way to solve environmental problems is to raise the price of fuel. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
As we see, smog is choking our cities and toxic chemicals are contaminating our drinking water, lowering the quality of people's living conditions. Naturally, the question is in the spotlight whether it is effective to cope with environmental problems by raising the price of fuel (这个句子写得比较特殊,因为是讲前面的 the question 和后面的同位语从句 whether it is effective… 隔开了,"凶手"是谓语部分 is in the spotlight .俗称,分割式同位语从句) . And my sense is that it is a good way, but never the best. (59words)
点评:看了第一段的语言,感觉作者英语水平应该很高,不管是从语言上也好,还是从表达的内容也好,都很老练.其次,值得一提的是,再怎么优秀的文章,结构基本还是一样的.此段也是先引入话题,然后表达自己的观点.所以,对于那些一天到晚总在研究作文结构的同学来说,你们可以休息一下了,把精力放到语言上来吧.文章的结构,特别是首尾段的太容易了,没什么多研究的。
It is true that manufacturers, whose aim is to make more profits, have to limit the amount of fuel used in production by some way (多么不好的表达!本来句子写得挺好的,结果来了句 by some way ,可以理解为通过某种方式,这样的话,应该不能算是错误的,但是从另外个角度,总觉得这个表达放在这个句子里有点"鸡立鹤群"的感觉,由于作者水平很高,所以能不能想想办法,精益求精呢?!) , due to the increase of fuel price, to cut down on their cost of products, reducing the emission in the process of manufacture (作者整句的意思是想说:"生产商的目的是获得更高的利润,所以必须通过某种方式限制生产过程所用的燃料,因为燃料价格上升了,这样做可以降低产品的成本,减少生产过程中气体排放."在我翻成中文以后,我们再来看这个句子,最后的 reducing the emission ...应该是可以理解了,它是 limit the amount of fuel used in production 的结果状语,而 to cut down on their cost of products 呢?!是目的.总结一下,这个句子完全可以当作我们翻译课上的例句,因为对翻译来说,老师最喜欢这样的句子,考验学生对句子结构的分析,此作者能写作这样的句子,水平看来和我有的一拼(小小自恋一下,呵呵...)但是,雅思考试的时候,考官是否能看懂呢?!我想考官是能够看懂的,但问题是考官会不会花心思去看?!这个是因考官而异,所以我主张,句子写得复杂没有问题,但是结构一定要清晰,不能复杂到连考官都琢磨半天,那就不好了!!!这句话,我乍看之下,能够理解,那么推定考官也能理解,所以还是不错的) . (超级长句,很不错) Also, faced with sharply growing price of common fuels, producers may turn to new types of energy resources that are economical as well as harmless to environment (还是前面加个 the 吧, environment 是可数名词) , in long term (前面逗号可以不要,然后改成 in the long term .看来作者对冠词的把握不好) 。
点评:此段充分显示了作者的语言功底,太神奇了!但是,大家有没有发现,人人看了此段都会觉得好,但是此段有没有比较难的单词呢?!答案是没有!说明什么呢?!好的作文也不需要刻意追求词汇的难度,而是词汇的广度!
But, as usual, only when the government or authoritative organizations enforce environmental regulations on producers will the latter scenario happen.( 倒装句开头,不错.另外,大家可以学个单词 ,scenario ,它在此表示"可能发生的情况"比如: The death of democracy becomes quite a likely scenario.) In other words, the authorities play an active role in preventing the excessive pollutants from pouring out into rivers or air. Without the compulsory clauses, manufacturers may choose low-cost fuel, rather than the one inoffensive to the surroundings, for, in the short term, manufacturers, especially small ones, can not afford the high expense on( 是 of 吧 ) advanced equipment that can make the most of resources, and thus, lessen the pollutants. (又是个厉害的长句,但是对冠词的把握仍然是瑕疵)
点评:语言功底好的人有什么特点?!从句吗?不是.而是非谓语动词和从句的结合。
Furthermore, on the whole, the high fuel price of energy resources can not eliminate the pollution, because there, whether more or less, has still been pollution ( whether more or less 虽然是插入语,但是感觉这句这样写有点不自然,而且后面是用完成时似乎也不对.试改为: there is still more or less pollution. ) . And, the radical approach to the environmental problems lies with the environmental awareness of producers. With the broad awareness about the importance of sustainable development, producers are willing to develop renewable energy resources, instead of being compelled to carry out the environmental policy established by the government, which is more effective but more difficult to reach. ( 长句,大家欣赏一下吧 )
So, the environmental problems can be solved by the rise in price of fuel partially, but not radically. And then, better to take advantage to all the price mechanism, administration and the public's knowledge, than to make use of only one of them. ( 348words )
点评:最后一段是败笔,或者说明显写的没前面几段好!
试改为: Therefore, raising fuel price can, to some extent, tackle the environmental problems but is far from thoroughly and the combination of price mechanism, administration and public knowledge is much better than make use of merely one of them.
总评:我想也不用多说了,8分。